The Bully Corker

All corkers are not created equal. True they are all self-absorbed, misguided
A-holes, however there is a select group who goes above and beyond in their overall douche-baggery. These are the guys that used to be bullies in school, but as time went on it was obvious that their behavior would no longer be accepted by society. Enter Critical Mass! Now they have an outlet to be a tough-guy again! You WILL sit there while THEY decide if you can go or not — OR ELSE by golly!

Bully Corkers are the ones you hear about on the news throwing their bikes through peoples windshields and pulling people out of their cars and assaulting them. Although, when the mob gets in action, ALL members of Critical Mass can behave this way. Even those little sissies the Poseurs (see below).

Because of their high propensity for violence and their overall holier-than-thou attitude, the Bully Corker gets one of our highest scores on the Douche-Bag-O-Meter. Congrats you fuck-head!

The “I Luv U” Bitch

The I Luv U Bitch is extremely easy to spot. She is the one who proclaims “I Love You” to all the people she is intentionally fucking over by participating in the Douche-baggery of Critical Mass. She thinks she is “holistic” and probably goes to Yoga classes twice a week. She would be a flower-child if this were the sixties. That is, if the flower-children were fucking bitches. If she were not here, she would be backpacking in Yosemite lecturing others not to swat disease spreading mosquitos, as they are animals with rights too. She is not smart enough to understand that there are plenty of worthy causes that could use her devotion —one’s where she can actually make a difference. Therefore, she shows up at CM events and tries her best to be all “peace” and “love.” 

Because she attempts to mask her bad behavior with a false smile and insincere proclamations, we find this Critical Masser one of the worse variety of their ilk — therefore she scores extremely high on our Douche-Bag-O-Meter. Hey, don’t blame us, the meter just calls it like it sees it.

The Car-Corker

The Car-Corker is a true coward, and a hypocrite to boot. Rather than park his bike in front of traffic to try to block it, the Car-Corker actually uses a car and poses like a normal member of traffic. They will come to an intersection and stop at  a red light. When the light turns green they will just sit there, effectively blocking the cars behind them. This works especially well on one-way streets.

Being that the Car-Corker is so cowardly and misguided (hell, he doesn’t even use a bike for an event meant to “promote” bikes)— he gets a very high score on the Douche-Bag-O-Meter.

The Lycra-Boy

The Lycra-boy is a roadie that wishes he were Lance Armstrong. What is this? Is the Tour de France happening right here in my hometown? Nope, it’s just Lycra-boy and his buddies on their way to Starbucks to get a non-fat, double Macchiato. He will be dressed up in enough bulge-conforming fabric to make the Solid Gold Dancers envious, and he will have all the latest gear and gizmos, especially the ever present bike-helmet-mirror. The ranks of Lycra-boy at Critical Mass events seems to be dwindling. This is because, even though they look ridiculous, most Lycra-boys are actually real cyclists, complete with their own roadie slang — and they know how lame  Critical Mass is. However, the few that are present should know better, so they get a pretty high rating on the Douche-Bag-O-Meter as well.

The Bike-Nazi

The name pretty much speaks for itself. A Bike-Nazi believes that no other mode of transportation is worthy of existence. Cars are the work of the devil and/or evil corporations who want nothing less than the total destruction of the world. Pedestrians are even seen as the enemy, as the Bike-Nazi often finds it hard to avoid them in crosswalks while illegally pedaling through a stop-sign or a red light.

The Bike-Nazi often is single with no family. If he had a family he would know that it is entirely impossible to get his kids to school; pick up the groceries and a 20 pound sack of dog food;  go to work;  take the kids to soccer practice; and swing by the Home Depot to get paint for the kid’s room, all while on the back of his pretentious Italian road bike. Because of his inability to compromise in the least, and because his view comes from a distorted version of reality he too scores high on our Douche-Bag-O-Meter.

The Frat-Tard

A Frat-Tard is a college-boy whose only involvement in Critical Mass is to drink some beers and go on a joy ride at the expense of others. He does not necessarily have to be in a Fraternity mind you, but his mentality and behavior make him appear as such. Typically Frat-Tards are some of the more unruly of the bunch and can often react violently for no apparent reason. Their violence springs from a combination of copious amounts of alcohol, and being away from home for the first time in their young lives. They simply do not know how to act as a responsible member of society yet.

Because they are mentally still underdeveloped, it is hard to be critical. However they have reached the status of legal adult, so they should know better, therefore the Frat-Tard scores very high on our Douche-Bag-O-Meter.

The Fixie-Hipster

These guys are simply too cool for school — or so they think. They prefer a “pure” from of cycling through the use of the fixed-gear cycle or fixie made popular by bicycle messengers. Keep in mind that these were meant for track, or velodrome racing, therefore they have no brakes, nor any freewheel mechanism, so if the wheel is turning, the pedals are turning. To slow down, one must apply reverse pressure on the spinning cranks — making quick stops near impossible. This is no concern for them, as the goal is often to simply weave around people and cars, rather than follow any rules or laws designed to protect society. Fixie-Hipsters can easily be identified by their garb and style, often seen in cute little caps, capri pants and wearing super tight thrift-store T-shirts with logos on them (which are now mass-produced at many chain clothing stores, alleviating the need to actually GO to a thrift store). Here and here and are nice depictions of Fixie-Hipsters. Here and here are examples of skidding — locking up the back. They attempt to separate themselves from others by their dress and their bike, but in the process they all look surprisingly the same. It is a sort of “conformity of style” that actually makes them anything BUT unique.

Even though we make fun of them here, we have no real problems with their “style” or lack thereof. We ask, which is more ridiculous, a Fixie-Hipster on a bike not safe, or even meant for normal riding, or a guy in a jacked-up hummer that will never see dirt under its wheels? We think the Hummer wins the ridiculous prize. No, we just have a problem with their involvement in Critical Mass. Seriously, a bike event supposedly for the cause of raising bicycle awareness and safety, and you don’t even have brakes? Give US a break. We know the only reason you show up to CM is to use the city as your personal track — being that is what your bike is actually designed for.

Being that their holier-than-thou attitude not only extends to motorist, but to other cyclists as well, they pretty much embody the term douche-bag, therefore they, like the Bully Corker, push the needle to the floor on the Douche-Bag-O-Meter. They would wind the prize altogether if it were not for our last character.

The Poseur (Poser)

These people are probably the largest group at Critical Mass events. They do not cycle on a regular basis. They use a car on pretty much every other day except this one. However, on THIS day they punish everyone else for not suddenly growing a “bike-conscious” like themselves, which ironically they promptly lose for the rest of the month. Hell, they may have even brought their bikes to the event on the back of their car (often a Subaru). They more than likely will not be wearing a helmet, nor do they even own one. They view Critical Mass as a way of hanging out with other Poseurs who are all trying their best to make an impression on each other. To them, intentionally disrupting the city they live in is their idea of fun. To hell with everyone else, today is MY day, their simple minds proclaim. Many are college students, but they are different from the Frat-Tard in their behavior. They are not overtly violent, however their presence allows the bad behavior to happen. They can be your next door neighbor, the guy that sells you your coffee, or even your dentist. They ARE in a word, the “mass”. It is the Poseurs who allow all the zealots, the drunks, the bullys and the assholes to do their thing with impunity.

Being that the other categories pale in comparison to this one in numbers, if you have rode in a Critical Mass event in the past, the odds are great that YOU are a Poseur, and of course a big fat Douche-Bag...

...and of course, since the mob cannot exist without the “mass,” these guys take the cake on the Douche-Bag-O-Meter. They are off the freaking chart.

Give yourself a pat on the back jackass.

They judge society, we judge them.

To fully understand Critical Mass one must understand their cast of characters. Below, for your amusement, is a list of some of the key players that make Critical Mass the train wreck of humanity that it is.

Participants are judged on our patent-pending, state-of-the-art “Douche-Bag-O-Meter.” It would be folly to attempt to create a more scientifically accurate measuring device. Just leave the heavy lifting to us, mmmkay?

Do not assume that similarities in results are a sign of defects in the Douche-Bag-O-Meter. It merely reflects the hard data and irrevocable conclusion that, in fact, Critical Mass sucks — and its participants are Douche-bags.